Barf-o-rama

I don't get grossed out easily. I grew up in a law enforcement family, which means dirty jokes and a twisted sense of humor. I had my first call the other night that actually turned me green.

I get a call for a fight. The door opens to the house and I see Ralph. His name was not Ralph, but I think it is appropriate. Ralph has a little blood on his mouth and he looks high as a kite.

I sit Ralph down and put some latex gloves on. I knew this was not going to go well. I can't explain it, you just know sometimes. It is a combination of body language, actual language and the little hairs on the back of your neck.

While my partner talks to Ralph's brother; Ralph decides to start getting squirrely. I end up taking Ralph to the ground after I decide he can't be reasoned with. I tell Ralph, "He dude, relax. You are making this much worse than it needs to be." I am a pretty patient guy, but I have my limits.

Ralph starts making this choking noise. I check to make sure I am not leaning on him too hard. I barely have any weight on him. I have my knee just touching his back and my left foot near his head. I took him to the ground pretty gently, so I am confused.

Then I realize what is happening and I quickly move my foot. Ralph starts vomiting right on his neighbors doormat. Nice. After he is done, I lift him up to move him out of his vomit. He begins to struggle, so I put a little weight on him. Ralph vomits again. I pick him out of his vomit and he flips out AGAIN.

At this point I have had enough. I tell him, "Look dude, I am trying to be nice here! If you vomit again, you are going to have to just deal with it. Everytime I lift you up out of it, you flip out on me."

So now the vomit fountain kicks into high gear. I have him right up on the edge of the stairs. So as he vomits, it runs down the stairs; kind of like a fountain, a disgusting, chunky fountain.

I call for backup to help me get him down the stairs and into my car. So I have to wait like five minutes while I am holding this guy down, in his own vomit. I have my head turned away from him, so that I don't get a full blast of the smell.

It was pretty nasty. I did not eat anything else that night. I think it was a combination of the sight, sound as smell. GROSS! I can still smell it and it has been days. LIVING THE DREAM!! LOL

Thief!

I was driving around town last Friday looking for drunk customers to escort to the clink, when I spot this car. It is a blue Crown Victoria with tinted windows and spotlights on each side. It does almost a perfect impression of one of our gang units cars.

Being the curious type, I pulled up along the right side of it to see who it is. I look in the window and I see some kid with his hat on backwards, dancing in his seat, to what I imagine is Britney Spears. He has got some arm tats and just looks like a little dirtbag.

I already have probable cause to stop the car, as it has tinted windows and I am pulling over just about anything that moves looking for drunks. So I slow down to pull in behind him. Just as I am about to light him up, my shady area partner speeds up behind him, laughing like a jack ass, and pulls him over. Son of a bitch!

I was laughing so hard I almost had to pull over. My partner seemed so pleased with himself. I guess he had been watching me size this guy up and when I decided it was a good stop, he snaked it from me. Wino! The joke was on him though. He put him through the field sobriety tests, got nothing and had to cut him loose. All that work for nothing. I'm sure it was worth it for the look on my face.

I considered squirting a little pepper spray out the window as I drove by, but thought better of it.