OMGWTFBBQ POLYGRAPH!

I read the law enforcement message boards periodically and one of the common questions I see is about the ever dreaded polygraph. There seems to be quite a bit of fear surrounding this magical device. Now, I am no expert on the polygraph, but I have been through it three times now and have passed each one.

In my opinion, there are two types of people that are concerned about the polygraph. The first type is the person who has something to hide and wants to know how to beat it. This type is boned and shouldn't be in law enforcement to begin with. I will be addressing this post to the second type, the normal applicant who has nothing to hide, but is concerned that the polygraph will call them out as a liar even though they are telling the truth. The first time I did a polygraph, I couldn't help but think the same thing.

The first step in the polygraph is a huge questionnaire. There are questions regarding your drug past, criminal past, gang affiliations and much more. If I recall, this took me about 20-30 minutes to fill this sucker out.

As you are filling out this monster quiz, the most important thing is to detail everyting ad nauseum. They will tell you to write next to questions you answered yes to and detail the events. I also like to write down the questions numbers which were unclear, so I can ask the investigator about it afterwards. Let me give you an example from my list. The question was something like, "Have you ever stolen anything?" I put down that I stole $10 from my mother when I was younger, I also stole candy once from 7-11 when I was really young.

Now, you might be thinking, do they really care that you stole something when you were 8 years old? Don't they just want to know about your adult life? Put down EVERTHING. If you think of anything, put it down on that paper. This is very important. You will see why later.

Ok, now you have completed this questionnaire. You may have even revealed some embarassing facts about your person sex life. Have you ever had sex in a public pool? I have, and I had to put it on my polygraph questionnaire. Yeesh. That is a difficult thing to explain to a complete stranger, but they know you are human and expect that you have done some stupid things in your youth.

At this point the polygraph investigator, who is more than likely an ex-police detective, is going to read through your list and ask you specific questions about each incident, just to make sure he has everything straight. This is your opportunity to ask about any of the questions that were unclear to you. Make sure you do this and get everything off your chest.

Now he is going to hook you up to the polygraph computer. Each one is different, but usually there is a thing that goes on your finger, a strap that goes around your chest, a blood pressure monitor on your arm and a pressure sensitive seat...so hold in that fart, because he will know if you don't. You think I am kidding, try it. =)

He is going to ask you about 10 questions while actually hooked up to the polygraph torture device and he will ask the series twice. I forget exactly how it was worded, but it was something like, "Did you lie about anything in your drug past?" You will answer, no. The answer to all the questions is no.

Here is the key to the polygraph. After he asks you each question, he will wait approximately 30 seconds before he asks you another one. You have to remain completely still and stare at the wall. You can not sniff, fart, move or jostle. If you do, he has to start over. This gives you time to think about your answer. If you suddenly remember that you did have sexual relations with a sheep in college, you may show some kind of reaction to the polygraph. That is why it is so important for you to feel like you have told EVERYTHING to the investigator. So you can relax and just answer no to each question. You know you have told the truth ad nauseum and therefore so does the polygraph.

That is it folks. It is a very easy process. After I got my first one done I was amused at how worked up I got about it. It really is no big deal. If you are lying or hiding something, then you will fail. Reveal everything about the subjects they ask you, no matter how stupid, and you will pass. The department may then disqualify you for that sheep thing, but you will have passed the polygraph.